Chapter 54: The Return of the King
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It should have been a wonderful weekend. We should have seen the sights of Nashville. We should have reveled in being in love. We should have skated the morning practices and then put training out of our minds. We should have skated an evening rock and roll session holding hands when they played couples. We didn't.
Friday night I was so exhausted. I fell into bed and even Sasha at his most persuasive could not keep me awake. He finally gave up and let me sleep.
I was up bright and early Saturday morning, racing to the rink, hoping that there might be word from Alexi. When there wasn't, I put it completely from my mind and practiced with a single mindedness which surprised everyone, including myself. Despite the stress, I kept Russavini's admonition in mind. I skated well, regardless of the swirling worries around me. I was proud of myself. If I could skate cleanly when I was this worried about Alexi, even a return to Nationals couldn't phase me.
Off the ice though, I couldn't keep single mindedly to anything. This lack of a focus made me distant and cold. I felt like worry lines were becoming permanently etched in my brow. I was just absent.
This time Sasha recognized how stressed I was. He was wonderful and very understanding. If I was quiet he didn't try to draw me out, but he didn't get angry either. He was just there. He made me eat too. I think nerves must do that to me. I just don't want to eat. I feel sick.
He was right though, if I didn't eat, I would be in the hospital in short order. He threatened to spank me and drag me home to my mama if I wouldn't be an adult. Not that I feared his jest was serious, but I did my best to eat, even when I had to force myself.
Sasha left for the airport Monday morning while I was at practice. I had said my good byes in the early dawn light. I really didn't much feel like it, but we made love. I was aware enough to know that this would be the last chance I would have for a while. I made the extra effort. Besides, having something to focus on gave me a reprieve from worry for that hour. The release of tension was worth the effort it had taken to bother at all. I cried out much of my worry on Sasha's shoulder. "You can always come home, you know. I'm always there." he had said.
The next few days were exactly the same as they always were with one big difference. No Alexi. I was incredibly lonely. I didn't realize how important he was to the daily grind of my life. I was as lonely, worse, than the first weeks in Nashville. At least then Alexi had been close enough to touch much of the practice hours. It was beyond dreary.
I practiced with the same single mind. I worked with the choreographer on that completely romantic, sex on the ice, long program. I came to love it even as I came to realize that it might never see the light of day if Alexi never returned. I did the double axel hundreds of times, until the cocked-foot, stepped-up entry was automatic.
I did not hear from Alexi. Yelena didn't. Ivan didn't. Nadya didn't. Russavini didn't. I had almost given up on ever seeing him again. I was quietly making plans to go home to Newport. If I had to lose my partner in mysterious circumstances, I wanted to be with my family and with Sasha.
It was Friday. Alexi had been gone... missing for 6 long days. I decided that if he didn't show up by Friday, I would fly home on Saturday. The state police had put out a missing person's report on him. They had not found him, or even a trace of him. I had almost given up hope.
I was warming up for the lesson when a tall, unshaven man entered the rink. He was wearing a nondescript brown down jacket and a Cubs baseball cap. He came to the boards and watched the practice for a short moment. Russavini, always wary of anyone who did not belong in our practices, went over, ostensibly to ask what he was doing there.
I kept on skating, trying not let any distractions get in my way. I heard a noise behind me. Russavini was waving impatiently. The man towered over her. I approached them. As I got closer, the face above that brown jacket resolved into a face which I missed desperately.
"Alexi!"
I ran across the ice and threw myself into his arms. I kissed him soundly, despite the fact that whole rink was probably watching. I nearly knocked him over. Russavini looked on tolerantly.
"Lenoska," He whispered and then louder. "Missed me?" With a smile that approached prideful.
I let go of the death grip my arms had around his neck. He lowered me to the floor and kissed me again, his hands still on my waist. I stepped back and with all my might... I slapped him. "How could you!?" His hands dropped from my waist and he caught my wrist as I made to slap him again.
"What was that for?" He asked angrily.
My wrist felt like it was in the proverbial vise. I could see the red imprints of my finger tips on his cheeks above several days stubble. The grip on my wrist quickly became intolerable. His knuckled were white. "Alexi. Please, you're hurting me." I winced. I could feel the pain and darkness closing in.
Then Russavini's small hand was on Alexi's white one. His grip loosened as the pain drove me to my knees. He stood like a Stonehenge rock: silent, massive, tall and inscrutable. "I hope you didn't break it." Russavini said to him as she helped me up. The movement seemed to break Alexi's strange reverie. He bent to pick me up. Russavini shooed him away. "Don't you think you've done enough."
She nodded towards Wolf who was at hand and he scooped me up and carried me into her office. Alexi followed behind, shuffling like some undead haunt. Alexi stood outside the office until the door was closed in his face. I could see through the frosted glass that he just stood there, not moving. Russavini sent Wolf to the snack bar for an ice pack.
I had gingerly moved my wrist around. I didn't think it was broken. It was just bruised. I would probably need to go have it x-rayed anyway before I could lift on it.
"That was a foolish thing to do to a man who is known to be violent." Russavini said as she unlaced my skates.
"I never thought about it."
Wolf returned with the ice pack. I put it on my wrist. Wolf slipped out the door and almost ran into Alexi for the third time.
"Why the hell don't you get out of my way?" He asked. "Haven't you done enough? Her wrist is probably broken. You've got alot of nerve, disappearing for a week without telling anyone anything and then showing up like you did. They were all worried sick. Ivan's having nightmares and I know for a fact that Yelena's not eating. She had every right to slap you. I just wished she'd have put a knee in your groin. You steal my partner and you can't even treat her with simple dignity!"
Wolf? My partner? Wolf had been recently paired with a young American... Hmmm. Alexi didn't say a word. He moved out of Wolf's way. I was certain that Alexi would hit him... but he just moved out of the way.
"I can't stay here with you, much as I would like to. Will you be okay until I can get someone to take you to the hospital? I have a lesson out on the ice waiting for me. I'm going to have to go over into your lesson to make up the time I've spent here."
"I'm fine Madame, really. I don't think it's broken, just bruised. I'll be fine. Could you have someone get my shoes and clothes?"
She left. Alexi was still standing against the wall opposite the door. No sooner than Russavini disappeared around the corner, there was a tap on the door.
"Yelena, can I come in?"
"Are you going to try to break my wrist again?"
"No. I didn't mean to hurt you. You aren't going to slap me again are you?"
"No."
He opened the door and the closed it behind him. I looked at the floor and not at him. All I could see was that his sneakers looked rather more battered than they had before.
"Where did you go, Alexi? I was worried sick. I couldn't sleep. I couldn't eat. I had to force myself. It was horrible."
"Didn't you get my email?"
"How could you have sent me email? I didn't check it, I couldn't bear to chance seeing your name on the newsgroup."
"I think I've got alot of explaining to do." He admitted. I nodded. "Can I sit?" He sat down in the chair across from me. "Where did I go? I went for a walk. I went for a long walk. When I left you with Sasha... I needed to think. I didn't know exactly where I was going when I started walking. I hitched a ride on US 24. By about 10 AM last Friday morning, I was in Clarkesville."
"I looked up the woman who ran our fan page and she gave me some breakfast. I had a long talk with her about you and Sasha and me. No, I didn't use his name, just in case. I sent you email from her account saying that I was going to take a bus to Chicago, see my mother and pick up my car. I didn't want you to worry."
"I didn't call because... I didn't want to hear your voice, I had some serious thinking to do. I didn't want anything clouding my perceptions. I'm sorry if you were worried. I would have called if I knew that you were upset."
"When I got back it hit me like a ton of bricks. I thought for a split second that you had not made up with Sasha. You kissed me like a lover. All the decisions I had agonized over, flew right out of my head. I was happier than I had ever been. Then you slapped me. It was like... well, a slap in the face. For a minute, I hated you. It's over isn't? We're not partners any more?"
"No Alexi. I was just worried. I didn't know if you had been killed. I've been so lonely since Sasha went home. Like it or not, We've a bond. My life isn't complete without you. I can't love you like you want, to the exclusion of Sasha; but I don't want to let you go either."
Alexi laughed and laughed. He was still laughing helplessly when Wolf's partner entered carrying my skate bag. The look on her face was so far from understanding and so quizzical that I couldn't stand it. I laughed, myself, until tears ran out of my eyes.
I could just see her going to Russavini saying "Alexi was in there with Elayne and they're laughing like maniacs." No one would know what to make of it. I didn't know what to make of it myself.
"I know what I'm laughing about, the look on her face. What are you laughing about?"
"You." He smiled fondly and then became serious. "I left because I couldn't face the knowledge that you were with Sasha, loving him. I finally had to face it. You're never going to love me instead of him. You may love me in addition, but not instead of. I faced it. It broke my heart, but I faced it."
"Reality." I thought, but said only "uh hmmm."
"I mourned it for two days. I wanted to die, almost. I thought long and hard about everything that has happened and how I've been avoiding the reality. I can't have your love like I want. I didn't know if I could face seeing you every day and knowing. I almost turned around and didn't come back."
"But the thought of never seeing you again, or seeing you skate with someone else... Never having what I could have, our skating, was overwhelming. I had to come back. We've got something together. It's rare. It's like making love. We're one body out there. just like you said, we're bonded, as surely as someone put a cuff around my wrist and yours. We're a pair, my Lenoska. My life isn't complete without you."
"So what do you want to do about it?"
"Well, you've got something to say about this too... but, I want to skate with you. I'm going to love you. I can't help it. I'll take second place to Sasha because there's a part of you that Sasha will never have. It's mine. Some day, I'll find a woman who will love me like I want to be loved, and there's a part of me that will never be hers."
"I don't think I could have said it better Alexi. That's exactly what I want. I want to skate. We'll see where it takes us. I'll love you too. I can't help it either." I stood and wavering a little from faintness, I moved to touch him.
"Please, please don't touch me. I'm not sure that I could bear it."
"You're going to have to touch me tomorrow. We've got another lesson with the choreographer. And you should see the program he's put together."
"Oh?"
"It's so hot that if we don't melt the arena, Sasha will come after you again."
"Oh No."
"Oh Yes."
Text Copyright © 1998-2003 Mary E. Tyler
