Chapter 53: Ivan is Made to Understand
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I didn't get to speak with Yelena that morning. She arrived late for practice and by that time, I was rushing to lunch. My lesson ran late too. I reluctantly followed Nadya and the skate house denizens out of the rink. I ran to catch up to her.
"Did you talk to Yelena?"
"Yes. She said that she dropped Alexi off in front of the skate house last night around quarter to ten. She didn't wait to see if he went inside. You are good friends with that Alexandre Klukov." The change of subject was jarring. "He was very concerned that I thought that Alexi was with you last night. Why was he so concerned?"
"I don't know. Alexi wasn't with me and Sash... Alexandre Klukov knows that."
She raised an eyebrow and I realized what trouble I had gotten myself into.
"He saw Alexi leave. He's staying with Yelena and me. We have an extra bedroom." Noting that I did not say that Sasha had slept in it.
"Yes, Yelena asked me if he could attend lunch with us. You know him, also then. Would you please ride with him, so he doesn't get lost?"
"Of course, anything to help out, Nadya."
"Yelena won't mind, will she?" Nadya asked.
"No, I don't think so." Good, she was completely misdirected. Nadya actually thought that Yelena and Sasha were involved!
"Perhaps Alexi will be home when we get there."
The drive to the skate house was a little more than 10 minutes. It was almost 12 miles. I was busy enough directing Sasha. I took him a different way than the house van, so that we could hold hands without being seen. We arrived shortly after the van and I didn't bother knocking.
The various younger skaters were rushing pell mell in different directions, finding ballet things and doing lunchtime chores. Vlad directed me to seat Sasha in Alexi's place and take my place at the diametrically opposite end of the table. So much for eating with Sasha.
At first all the children were in awe of Sasha. Listen to me... Wolf is older than I am, and I think of him as a child. At any rate, the normally gregarious little girls and boys were shy as mice. Wolf was duly impressed and Ivan, who skate singles still, looked at Sasha with shining eyes. Sasha smiled and joked with Wolf and Ivan just like he was a real person and not a legend. They warmed up immediately. He made broad jokes in Russian that even the little girls could understand. They relaxed, in stitches. He flirted with Natalia and Nadya until even Nadya was thoroughly charmed. Vlad was eager to discuss technical issues relating to the quad axel. Sasha managed to speak knowledgeably enough to satisfy him.
The only words that I got to speak to him directly were "Please pass the salt." and directions for getting back to Yelena's. I gave him my keys so that he could get in and reminded him that I had to go to the grocery store as soon as I got home. "Please don't forget, 4:30. I need to be able to get in."
I pushed him towards the car. I could tell that he wanted to kiss me. Nadya's suspicions had been put to rest and I did not want to excite them again.
"Shoo! And be there at 4:30! Don't forget!"
Alexi was not at our ballet lesson. He was not at the rink when we went back. He had not contacted anyone either. He was gone without a trace. I changed back into my sweats in the ladies dressing room and put on my sneakers. I shouldered my skate bag onto my back and prepared to make that long run home. It was 5 miles.
Often Alexi ran with me, the extra distance making up for the slowness of our pace. This day every step echoed. Gone. Gone. Gone. Where was Alexi? Maybe he had called during the day. If Sasha hadn't answered the phone, the message would be on the machine. I held on to this slim hope as I ran, one foot in front of the other.
Finally, I ran up the walk. The front of the house was shaded. The afternoon sun shone on the other side. The side door was open. I opened it and slipped in and pelted towards the answering machine. The light was still. No messages. With a heavy heart I made my way back to my bedroom.
The house was silent. Was Sasha somewhere else? I guess the time change and the emotional turmoil of the last two days had gotten to him because he was fast asleep on my bed. I stared for a moment. He lay so still, the planes and angles of his face unmarked by any expression, not the non-expression which he so carefully assumed at times of stress, but a true open, blank, peacefulness.
I reflected that what I felt was love. It wasn't the heart leaping kind of love that I felt when I saw his beautiful face after being parted. It wasn't the proud love that I felt when other people admired his body or his skating. It wasn't even the overwhelming, earthshaking feeling when we made love.
It was that same love that I felt when I saw the pretzel he made out of the tooth paste tube. It was eggs fresh from the chicken, over medium with a kiss. It was the love that I felt when I missed Sasha my friend rather than Sasha my lover. It was simple, bland and down right boring. "What's my life coming to?" I thought Irritably. "I'm become a grown up. AK!"
I gathered clean clothes without waking my sleeping beauty. I grabbed a clean towel, it was pink instead of white. I turned on the shower and washed thoroughly. Thinking about Sasha was so much more pleasant than wondering where Alexi was. Or more truly, worrying about where Alexi was. The police wouldn't even count him missing until he had been gone 24 hours. By that time, it would be the weekend and there wouldn't be a detective available! Damn it. Where was he!?
Sasha was awake when I went back into the room, but I reminded him that if we did not go grocery shopping we would not be eating. He commented that he might eat, but it wouldn't have too much nutritive value. I ignored the innuendo and dragged him out of the bed.
Sasha had done all the washing while I was out. I would have been truly grateful, but everything was pink, not just the towel. I said nothing and made a mental note to bleach the whites when he left. He took me grocery shopping and I set him to hanging up the clean clothes while I put the food away.
I started supper. Sasha kept coming into the kitchen, kissing and touching me interfering with the preparations until I threatened him with disembowelment if he didn't either make himself useful or leave me alone.
"Touchy touchy!" He commented sitting at the table, well out of reach.
"I'm trying to get this done so that I can put it in the oven." This was meatless lasagna, with skim ricotta. "Yelena, Mikhael and Ivan will be here in a few minutes. I want to find out if Ivan knows anything about Alexi. If Alexi told anyone anything, it would be Ivan."
"Maybe Alexi will be with them."
"It would be an answer to my prayers."
"Oh."
"I'm worried Sasha." I put the pan into the oven, adjusted the temperature and came to sit at the table. "I'm very worried. I've never known Alexi to disappear like this. I'm afraid he might have been mugged and is lying insensible in a hospital somewhere. My career is pretty well tied up with his at this moment."
"You don't need a career, you know. I've told you before, I'll take care of you."
I breathed out slowly and counted to ten. "Sasha, do you realize what a stupid, chauvinistic thing you just said? I've been working all my life for this chance, to work with Russavini, to go to the Olympics. You had a dream and now you've got a gold medal to go with it. Don't you think I ought to have one to go with my dream?"
"I forgot. You American women are different."
"Yeah, but you like it."
"Sure do. Why don't you come over here?"
I was still sitting on his lap, kissing him when Yelena and the others arrived. I was off Sasha's lap like a shot and to the front door before they had all trooped in. Yelena came first, the Mikhael and finally Ivan. No Alexi. I think my face must have fallen off an rolled around on the floor. It was dusty when I picked it up.
"No Alexi?" I asked, although the answer was obvious. "Sasha's in the kitchen, supper'll be ready in about 20 minutes. Mikhael, could you sit in with Sasha for a bit. I want to talk to Ivan and I'm sure Yelena wants a shower."
Yelena did indeed go towards the shower. I dragged Ivan into my room. The bed was rumpled and Sasha's clothes from the night before were beside it. Ivan was obviously uncomfortable sitting next to me on the edge of the bed, so I moved into the chair. He seemed vaguely hostile.
"Ivan, do you know where Alexi is?"
"No, but I don't know why you'd need to know!"
I was taken aback. "... Because Alexi is my friend and my partner. I care about him. You are so hostile all of a sudden. You've always been shy with me, but I thought that you liked me?"
He looked pointedly at the men's clothing on the floor. "Alexandre Klukov is your boyfriend isn't he."
"Yes, but that isn't to go outside the walls of this house."
"Why not?"
"Because I don't need the media attention and neither does Alexi right now. We've got enough PR problems."
"I see." He paused. "What I don't see is how you could sleep with my brother half the summer and the night before you left the skate house and then throw him over for some overrated, singles skater!"
"What?"
"You heard what I said, you whore."
"You watch your mouth! First of all, I have spent 2 nights with your brother. Once last summer at the request of Mr. Sasha Klukov and once last Monday when I fell asleep on him while he was talking."
"Both times I was sleeping. I don't know where you got any other idea."
"Alexi used to say your name in his sleep. I've had those kind of dreams too. I know what they're about."
"Alexi had another partner named Yelena, but regardless, I've never had sex with Alexi. Wanted to maybe, but never consummated."
"But he kisses you all the time and he says he loves you."
"He kisses me as often as I allow."
"He loves you."
"I know that, and I love him."
"just not the same way? I had a girl say that to me once. She meant that she already had a boyfriend."
"I guess that covers it. I've been friends with Sasha for more than a year now. We've been... together about half that time. It wasn't until July the we became lovers."
"So Alexi never even had a chance. Why don't you tell him that, just break his heart cleanly and let him get on with his life?"
"I know that this may be hard for you to understand Ivan, but Alexi was around when I made the decision between him and Sasha. He knows what my choice has been. I don't think he's been able to face it, I know, I haven't until recently. It's very difficult to choose between two people that you love dearly. Especially because it means breaking one heart."
"But Alexi's your partner?!"
"That's exactly the problem. If Alexi let his heart be broken, he would have to spend all day, every day with the one who broke it. Or he would have to leave the partnership. He's not ready to do either of those things. He's not going to leave the partnership, so he will not face the reality. He is going to keep waiting for me until he can."
"Then he'll leave the partnership?"
"I hope not. Like it or not, I've tied my future to Alexi's. I was the best partner that Alexi could get and he was the only partner I could get. This is the best and last chance for both of us, I think. He's committed to Russavini and to me. I think he'll stay."
"No matter the cost?"
"I'm hoping he'll fall in love himself and the point will be moot. I've a sneaking suspicion that there's someone that he loves or would love if given any encouragement. But that even, more than the other, is not to go out of this room."
"Ivan, I can't help that Alexi is tearing his heart out over me. I'm sorry, and I hope that you don't hate me, but he just wasn't in the right place at the right time. I can't change the past and I made up my mind."
"I think you should dump Klukov and go with my brother."
I laughed." You're loyal. I like that. Can we be at peace, please?"
"I guess so."
"If I hadn't known Sasha first, I'd have loved Alexi. Now, not a word about Sasha Klukov. Especially not to Wolf, he'd have it all over the rink in an hour. Nadya Dragon-breathski thinks he's Yelena's boyfriend. It's the only reason she's not riding my back."
Ivan grinned. My gamble paid off. We were all a unified front in regard to the grownups who ran the world we lived in.
"Let me and Alexi work our problems out, okay? And please, tell me if he calls. I'm worried sick."
Text Copyright © 1998-2003 Mary E. Tyler
