Chapter 46: Revenge is Sour
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He stiffened for a moment, as if just realizing where this lead. "You've held this back, all along?" I nodded. "And now, because Sasha's... "
"Betrayed me." I interrupted.
"... Betrayed you. You come to me?"
"Yes... Isn't that what you wanted? For me to come to you 'willingly?' Wanting for you to love me?"
"Because you loved me too, not because you want to get back at Sasha!"
"That's not the only reason. I do want you, I have for a long time. And I do love you."
"But this ought to be about you and me, our love. Not about Sasha. It's always about God Damned Sasha!" The brief expression of anger made his face ugly, twisted with pain.
"I want you Alexi... and I'm offering myself, here in your arms, willing and enthusiastic. Take me."
Alexi rolled off his side and onto his back, his arms were no longer around me.
"No."
"What?!"
"No. I won't make love to you. That's not what it would be. If I can't have it be right, I don't want it at all."
"You don't want me?"
"I do want you, but I want all of you, not just the part that's getting revenge on Sasha."
"How dare you." I said coldly, "I've never been so insulted! Get out."
He scrambled up off the bed. "Yelena, you know I'm right. And you know this isn't. You'd regret it if I let you convince me."
"GET OUT!"
"Yelena... " He backed away, moving towards the door.
"I said GET OUT!" I reached for the first thing I could find, the HTML Sourcebook, and threw it. It slammed into the door as he closed it, just missing his head. I threw a major tantrum and when my temper had finally subsided into tired sobs, I could hear my conscience whispering to me... "Alexi's right."
I slept... and slept.
I slept until I heard the front door opening and closing. The clock said 6:30, so it must have been Yelena. I didn't want to get up and face anyone, so I laid in my bed as quiet as a clean edge. I could hear her as she made her way into the back of the house to her bedroom. It was right next to mine.
"Hello" her voice said, as if she was speaking to someone.
"Huh? Oh hi." Alexi said sleepily. He was still here? "I guess you are wondering why I'm sitting here half dressed?"
"You could say that. Russavini told me that Yelena came home sick. I figured that it would be about Sasha. I thought that you'd be comforting her."
"I was... She threw me out."
"I see."
"She wanted me... "
"To do more than comfort her?"
"Yeah."
"And you wouldn't?" She sounded genuinely surprised.
"Hey. . what're you doing?"
"I'm getting changed. What does it look like I'm doing?"
"Yeah, but do you have to take your clothes off?"
"That's usually involved in getting clean ones on. Seriously Alexi, you've seen me in alot less than this. We were lovers."
"That was different!"
"You can stop looking then... Why Alexi Stanachev, I do believe that you're blushing." There was silence for a moment. "So you didn't, why not?"
"I wanted her to want me for me, not because of Sasha."
"Sounds high and noble. I've underestimated you, Alexi, you are a changed man."
"Thanks, a very alone changed man. I must be crazy, I've dreamed about her... " He paused uncomfortably, "... like that, but I said 'No. ' "
"Thought with your big head for once? Is it so difficult?" She teased. Alexi laughed. "So why are you in here? And where is your shirt?"
"My shirt, is in there. I'm in here because I wanted to be... where I could hear her, if she called for me."
"Hmmm... " At that moment the doorbell rang. I'm sure that Yelena went to get it. She returned a few minutes later. "We have some guests, Mikhael is out there talking with them. I warned him that you were here and not to make any trouble. So you can go out and join them if you want... Oh wait, you need a shirt... I have a few of Mikhael's t-shirts, oh... but they won't fit you, your shoulders are too wide."
"Why thank you, I didn't think you noticed."
"I don't hate you Alexi, and I'm not blind. I always noticed. I'm going to slip into the other room and fetch your shirt."
"Good she threw something heavy at me when I left. I'm not sure I have the guts to get it myself."
I heard the door open and Yelena slipped inside. I feigned sleep. She laid a hand on my bare shoulder and shook me slightly. I pretended to wake up.
"Yelena, wake up. Elayne."
"Uh?"
"Sorry to wake you hon, but we've got company. You don't have to come in right now, but I thought that I'd let you know. You might want to clean up a bit and look presentable. I'm going to start supper. It'll be ready in about 45 minutes."
"Thanks Yelena, I'll get up and come in in a bit. Is Alexi still here?"
"Yeah."
"Could you tell him I'm sorry?"
"I think you had better tell him yourself."
She took Alexi's shirt and left, closing the door softly behind her. I heard her pause and then her footsteps receded down the hall. Alexi must have put on his shirt quickly, because he followed her without delay. I stretched. My conscience was still a persistent voice, small and quiet, but I knew that it was right. I was wrong. I realized that I had tried to use Alexi, and I was ashamed of myself. The only thing I could do was to apologize as prettily as possible and hope that he would forgive me.
Text Copyright © 1998-2003 Mary E. Tyler
