Chapter 30: On the Edge: Another Decision
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I never did get a hold of Mikhael Pathanachev that night. I'm not sure what I would have done other than set him straight anyway and I'm sure that Yelena Perenskya did that.
After about a half and hour, a cleaned up Sasha and a bruised Alexi came and apologized to me and each other so eloquently that I dissolved into giggles. I forgave them both, easily, because I had never really been too angry with them.
"The cast usually goes out after the show." Sasha said. "Sometimes I go and sometimes I don't, my foreign national ID doesn't always get me in since I'm 'underage.'"
"I'm underage too, so I guess that counts me out." I replied. "Alexi's old enough."
"Do you want to go with them, Alexi? I'm sure that they'd like to have you."
"I'm really..."
"Hey, Paul! Could you take Alexi here under your wing tonight?"
"Sure Sasha. My pleasure." Paul called back.
"There you go. Have fun."
"Yelena, the car." Alexi said.
"Oh, right. I don't have transportation in Chicago. Alexi usually drives me where I need to go." I explained. "Can I have the keys?"
"The guys'll usually rent a car or take a cab when they go out, they'll drop you home."
"Thanks Alexi." I said as he gave me the keys. I kissed him on the cheek. "You're a brick."
As we walked away, Alexi called something to Sasha which I did not understand.
"Sasha, what did he say?"
"I'm not sure, my Latvian is not strong, but it sounded like 'Don't do anything I wouldn't do.'"
Sasha was silent as we walked towards Alexi's car and got in. I drove back to my apartment directly. It had been a long, trying night and I still wasn't up to much. We climbed the stairs to my apartment and silently, I opened the door and we went in. It was not until we had been seated each with a steaming mug of tea that I realized that the silence was not natural. Sasha was brooding.
I took off the daisy Alexi had given me and I snuggled up to Sasha. He was like stone: cold, hard, and unyielding. I kissed him on the neck and nibbled his ear. I brushed my lips across his. I thought it was sure to thaw him. He said nothing. He didn't move. He didn't touch me.
"Sasha, what's wrong?" I asked, on the verge of tears. "Why won't you talk to me?" He said nothing, just glared. I started to cry and when he still did nothing, I bolted into the bedroom, threw myself down on the bed and sobbed. I really thought that he would come to comfort me. He didn't.
I thought about the special evening I had planned and how ruined it was. I got angry. Was he supposed to love me or wasn't he? I dried my eyes and went back into the living room. I sat on the couch next to him. He had not moved. His face was completely emotionless. He said not a word for 15 minutes or so and then he spoke.
"What I want to know," He questioned precisely and coldly, "Is what Alexi Stanachev has done or would like to do that I haven't done?"
"Aren't you making a bit much out of a joke?"
"I didn't think it was so funny." He retorted. "Do you think I'm a fool? I can see how he looks at you! Like he knows every curve, every hollow of your body... intimately. Like he wants to love you. Or like he already has."
"You think I've been sleeping with Alexi?" I asked incredulously.
"Sleep wasn't the operative word."
"You're jealous. Silly! You're jealous of my skating partner."
"I do have reason to be. I've seen the way you look at him."
"And how is that?"
"Lasciviously." He spat the word out. I was stunned. Did I really look at Alexi that way? "It's a damned open invitation. You been with him."
"Sasha, I'm a virgin. I don't know what you're talking about."
"really?"
"Yes, really. I was planning to..."
"To what? Tell me about your little affair?"
"No, I was going to... I mean... I planned for... I wanted..." I stopped, completely at a loss to communicate what I had wanted. I sat on the couch and hung my head in my hands. "This isn't going to work, is it? I wanted tonight to be perfect!"
"Why was it supposed to be perfect?" He said bitingly.
"Because you're here, and I thought I knew what I wanted."
He sat for a moment, not moving, not speaking, and it did not dawn on him, what I was so unable to say. He sighed. "I've been an awful jerk tonight, haven't I?"
I nodded. "I wanted for it to be romantic... "
"For what to be romantic?" He coaxed.
"My first time..."
He breathed out hard, surprised. "Oh Lord, I have been a jerk. I've pretty much ruined it." He stated. "I guess you want me to go back to the hotel?"
"Y-you c-can stay with me." I said brokenly, trying not to cry again.
"You don't have a guest bedroom in this little place, do you?"
"No, there's just one bed."
"Is this something that Alexi would do? Is this what he meant?"
I shrugged.
"Would you? With him?"
"I'm not sure if I will with you." I said defiantly.
"You said you knew what you wanted. You won't have any regrets?"
"I love you."
"You love him too."
"I have a crush on him."
"It's more than that. You don't even know what desire is, but I can see it when you look at him."
"What do you see when I look at you?"
"Now? Fear, courage... love... decision. I'm here and you've decided what you want. You are trying to be very brave now. You're still a little frightened. It's a big step. But you spend your whole day with him, every day. What you decide or don't decide about me, what you want will happen. Alexi will happen."
"I want you."
"God! I've waited for those words, and now I'm hesitating! You won't be an innocent girl anymore. You'll be a woman, with a woman's needs. I won't be here. You'll end up with Alexi for sure. You two just exude sexual energy."
"Sasha, I'm not going to sleep with Alexi."
He raised an eyebrow.
"We need it on the ice."
"Ahh, you're cold hearted, thinking only of your career."
"Sasha, enough sparring. I'm going to bed. If you want what I'm offering, you had better come along. I'm not going to be awake in a little while."
"I don't need a place to lay my head, I just want to stay with you."
Text Copyright © 1998-2003 Mary E. Tyler
