Chapter 16: Searching for What I Didn't Want To Find
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I didn't go back to school. I should have, but I didn't. I went home and thought. The conclusion that I came to, did not make me happy in the least. One or two letters could have been lost, but not 20 or more. Someone had intercepted the letters that we had sent. That could have been anyone. It could have been someone in Russia who didn't want him in love with an American. It could have been anyone. But there was one thing which I could not deny, one piece of incontrovertible evidence which accused the person I most wanted to trust. Phone messages don't get lost in the mail.
There was only one thing to do. I had to search the house. I started with my mother's room. I searched through every drawer, at the top of closets. I even moved her mattress. I went through her desk. I looked in her bathroom, the medicine cabinet, under the sink. I looked between books in the shelves. It was time consuming, we have alot of books. The time when my mother would be home was getting closer.
I was completely at a loss. I packed my bags for Chicago. I wracked my brains at who could want to separate Sasha and me. I decided that I must be crazy to suspect Mama and I went to start dinner. I mean, I know that my mama does not like Sasha, but would she really have kept me from getting his letters?
I was cutting vegetables when I saw it. There is a box in the kitchen where Mama keeps her private stuff. She calls it her "thing box." From the time I was a small child, I was never allowed to go in it. Even now that I wasn't 3 and wasn't going to color on the electric bill, the habit was there. I didn't go in that box.
I put down the knife and wiped my hands. It was like opening the forbidden door in Bluebeard. I wanted to know for sure if Mama was on my side, but I didn't want to know if she wasn't. I picked up the box and took it to the kitchen table. The key was hanging in the lock on the front. I turned it and opened the lid.
In the top of the box was a picture of my father. It was dog eared and water marked like someone had held it many times and cried over it. Beneath it was a stack of bills, some marked paid, some marked overdue. There was a letter from the city stating that the the property at 3856 Green Meadows Drive would be sold for back taxes on April 12th. That was our house! Was that why Mama was so eager to see me settled in Chicago. We were going to lose our house!
I sat down in shock. I had always lived in the same place. This was my home. I knew Mama wasn't feeling well and seemed stressed, but this was much worse than I had expected. I stopped looking in the box while I chewed over this latest dilemma. I couldn't talk to Mama about the house because I wasn't supposed to go in the box. I wasn't supposed to know about it.
I felt queasy, but I had to continue. The box was finally empty. There were no letters from Sasha. The relief I felt was huge. I put all the papers back in the box and closed it. I lifted it up and put it back in its place. Then I realized something. The box was bigger on the outside than it was on the inside. I brought the box back to the table and opened it and turned it out onto the table. I pried at the lip of the box with a butter knife. There was something there, but it was stuck. For some completely unknown reason, I put the key back in the lock and turned it. The inner tray came away easily.
Beneath it were about 12 thick envelopes with a Russian address and as many translucent airmail envelopes. I lifted the lot out of the box with trembling hands. It was the proof I needed and the proof that I wish I had never found.
Each of the thin envelopes bore my name and address and a Russian return address. The name above that return address was "Alexandre Klukov."
I stacked the letters on the table. I sat in shock as dinner burned. Mama would be home soon and I didn't know what I would say to her or what I would do. I knew that the row would be a big one. I could not have been more confused. I loved my mama and I loved my Sasha and obviously, the two did not go together in Mama's mind.
I wasn't sure now if I wanted to go to Chicago, but brought my bags to the door. I had to leave with them tomorrow and I was not going to stay here. There were two things for sure. I had to talk to Sasha before I left and I had to talk to Mama.
I did some damage control on dinner and sat down at the table in front of the pile of paper. I separated out all the unpaid bills and all the letters which Sasha and I had written. I didn't open any of the envelopes, but I noticed one was manilla and thicker than the others. It must be the one which contained the tickets to Worlds. It was already open. The enclosed letter was short.
My Dear One,
Here are tickets for the plane. Have the airport limo take you to the hotel. Please use the cash that I have sent to buy yourself a nice coat and anything else you need. I would like to take you somewhere special for supper after the long program and I am not able to bring Yelena's coat or Elisaveta's jewelry so that you will have something to wear. Please consider it a gift with the best of meaning.
Your Sasha
It did indeed have plane tickets in it. There was an itinerary and a chit for the airport limo, a note with a hotel name, address and reservation number and a money order for a substantial sum. Heck, I could've bought a mink coat with that much.
I heard the door open into the foyer. Mama was home. She took off her boots and hung up her coat and came into the kitchen. She looked at me, sitting at the table. I don't think that it was a pretty sight. I must have looked very grim.
"You are not supposed to go in that box, Elayne."
"Mama, how could you?"
Silence.
"Mama, how could you take his letters? How could you not tell me he was calling? I trusted you and you betrayed me, you lied to me!"
"Elayne... "
"I love him, Mama. I thought that you had accepted that. I can't believe that you could do this. I didn't want to believe it, but here are the letters!"
"Elayne, please! He is an older man, and one with a very bad reputation. I am trying to protect you. He has broken more than a few hearts both here and in Russia. I know about men like him. He will leave you with a broken heart, a shattered skating career and a belly full of child, paid off like a whore, just like your father did to us." she said. "By now, he has forgotten you. You would be wise to forget him. Go on with your skating and forget that you ever met. You will be in Chicago and he will be here. He will never even notice that you are gone."
"But, my father is dead. His picture was in the box... "
"No, Elayne, that was my husband. He was a good provider and a good parent to you, as good as any. I loved him with a heart considerably less foolish than the one who loved your father, but he was not your father."
I'm glad that I was sitting down. If I hadn't been, I would have fallen.
"Elayne, I did this for your own good."
"Mama, you're wrong. I've seen him and you are wrong. He has not forgotten me. He asked about me today and I spoke to him. I didn't want to, but I did. He told me about the letters and the phone calls. That's why I came looking. He loves me and even when he thought I might not love him, he kept on writing. He sent me the tickets for Worlds."
"I will not have you bought, Elayne!"
"Mama, it was a gift. I did not have a nice coat of my own in Nagano. I had to borrow a dress and coat from Yelena Perenskya. He wanted me to have something nice! He even made a joke about not being about to bring Yelena's."
"He never would have asked me to choose between you and him. You are making me choose and I don't know what to do. But one thing is for sure. You have lied to me and Sasha has not. I can't trust you." I paused as I gathered up the letters and the bills. "There are three things I have to do: I am going to Chicago. Sasha would not want me to stop skating. Before I leave tomorrow, I will take this money order down to town hall and pay the property taxes. He would want that. Right now, I am going to see Sasha. He and I have alot of catching up to do. I doubt that I will be back before Chicago so don't wait up for me."
"Stop right there, young lady! You are not going anywhere. You are certainly not going to spend the night with that scoundrel. You may be sleeping with him, but I've sacrificed for you and I'll not see you throw your career away!"
"Mama, I'm a virgin and I plan to stay that way for the foreseeable future. Sasha respects that. He respects my choices. It's a big change from here, that's for sure. I will call you when I get back from Chicago. If I decide to come home." I picked up my bags and walked out. I resisted the urge to slam the door.
Text Copyright © 1998-2003 Mary E. Tyler
