Chapter 100: To Say It in the Dark
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"Lenoska... Are you in there? Lenoska... open the door."
I heard Alexi's voice and I crawled numbly across the cold floor and opened the door. Light streamed in from the setting sun. I didn't move from my knees, I couldn't look up at him. I couldn't face him.
He knelt beside me. "Darling, why are you sitting in the dark?"
"I... I couldn't face myself." I sniffled. "I'm so ashamed. I knew what he was, and I let him touch me. He used me... and I used him. I can't hold my head up. I can't bear it."
"Shhh, shhh... " He folded me in his arms, shifting his weight so that he sat Indian style on the floor. Then he pulled me into his lap and rocked me like a baby. "I won't let him touch you again. We don't need the money, and we don't need the quad. We don't need anything that's going to do this to you. You don't have to do this to yourself."
"We need that quad." I insisted.
"Then we'll learn it some other way. If you really want to, we'll find another way. There will be four or five guys on tour this summer who'll be able to teach you, Strachan, or Youngvale, Jaludin or that Russian kid, the one who does the Beilmann. You don't have to go back to him. You don't ever have to see him again, if you don't want to."
"I'll see him every day on tour." I whimpered.
"I told you. I won't let him near you. I promised your mother that I would protect you, and I will."
"I'm so glad. I'm so glad." I pressed into him.
"You can count on me. But Lenoska... you have to tell me everything. What makes you think Sasha is treacherous and deceitful?"
"I found out... after Mama died... " I choked. "That he's never been faithful, not in all the time I've known him. He has always had light women, a different one every week." It was so much easier to say it in the dark. "He's a playboy. I was fool to think that he could ever be anything different. He lied to me. I loved him. I gave him everything, my heart, my body... my innocence... and he lied to me."
"That pig. I'll kill him. By God, I'll kill him."
"No. just keep him away from me."
"I'm going to tell him what I think of him at least."
"Don't. He knows what he did. It would be humiliating to have him know that I know. just don't let him touch me ever again... and hold me."
"Lenoska, I won't let him hurt you again... and I'll never let you go."
"Will you love me?"
"I already love you."
"No... would you... could we... " There had been a death, something in me had died. I wanted an affirmation of life. I unfolded myself from the fetal curl and pressed him back against the tile wall, both my hands kneading his shoulders. I couldn't see, for the absolute darkness. I leaned towards him, searching for his lips, bumping noses, and then wandering across his face, then circling and homing.
I put all my pain, all my shame, all my heart into that kiss. I laid down my burdens, gave up my pride and trusted him as fully as when I leaned on him in the death spiral. The world spun, but this wasn't the ice, this was real, this was life.
"Are you in here, Lena?" Yelena called from the sitting room. "Russavini wants you down to supper immediately. She's got something to say."
"Are you going to be all right?" Alexi asked as we lagged behind Yelena. He held my hand lightly in his.
I looked over at him, and I liked what I saw. I smiled, first a small thoughtful smile, then a grin, then a wide, loving, mischievous smile. I licked my lips. "For the first time in a long, long time."
He dropped my hand and stretched his arm around my waist, and hip to hip, we walked down the hall after her.
Text Copyright © 1998-2003 Mary E. Tyler
